LET’S BE REAL MOMMA’S!
This is a hard job. It sucks… a lot of the time.
There are days where I just sit there and wonder if this is it for me. Some women out there were born to be mothers and feel all the validation they need from their children – I am not one of those women.
I love my kids dearly, but I didn’t have them so that I can become a mother. I had them to make a family with my husband. To raise tiny humans into functioning adults for the next generation.
As I’m sitting here trying to type this, my one-year-old is in her crib crying it out, and my four-year-old is being brainwashed by Netflix and a tub of cheese balls just so that I can do this somewhat uninterrupted.
It’s 2016. Pinterest is a thing. If you follow any moms in Instagram at all, then you see their perfect clean children in their perfect clean home, sometimes even doing impressive yoga poses… THE PRESSURE IS TOO MUCH. I’m sitting here, wondering if I should shut them up with a beautifully filtered picture of my antidepressants I take with my morning coffee… which I can’t have too much of or the anxiety will just become too much for one pill to handle.
I realized that I had postpartum depression four months after my second baby was born. Out of nowhere, my four-year old’s voice became like nails on a chalkboard to me. I would immediately get impatient with whatever she came to talk to me about. I thought I just needed to work on my patience with her and try to sleep more… right?
Adding children to depression is a whole different story. They sleep in and my brain tells me that they’ve been dead for hours, and I’ve just been sleeping away like the terrible, selfish mother that I am.
I get on Pinterest and Instagram and see how these other “functioning” mothers must love their children more than I do.
I didn’t want to tell anyone. I would be a …. God forbid… bad mom. Just thinking of other mothers judging me was enough to keep my mouth shut. Women just don’t talk about their emotions with postpartum depression. It’s scary and… well, depressing!
No one wants to talk about that.
I felt like an actual insane person. To not be able to rationalize for anything. It’s like you’re in a constant poker game with your brain. Just intensely waiting on your brain to make their move and throw the better hand down. You’ve already lost all your money, and your brain is just taunting you at this point. It can see right through your sad little attempt at a poker face. It’s over. Your brain will win every single time. It’s hopeless.
I started medication right away. A mild antidepressant mixed with a not habit forming anti anxiety that I can take when I feel out of control. Sometimes that’s every day, sometimes it’s twice a day, sometimes I go a whole week without taking one… it’s anyone’s guess how the day will go.
I am tormented by my brain every day, and it seems impossible at times to get a grip on reality. This is depression. Losing all control. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but this is just a small glimpse into what we deal with on a day-to-day basis.
This is why we need to tell the truth on social media. Let’s be honest for a change. Let’s post our Facebook statuses to something honest like:
Thank God my mom agreed to keep the terrible children I gave birth to for the night so that I can get some precious and rare sleep
There isn’t enough wine in the house to undo the poop I had to wipe earlier today
My kid keeps biting at school…. It’s easier for me to assume the other little shit deserved it.
Let’s ban together, momma’s. Let’s tell it like it is with no more sugar coating perfectly themed birthday party filtered pictures. This is motherhood. It’s hard. Some days suck. Some days suck more than the others.
It can be rewarding, but sometimes it’s hard for us to see the rewards. It’s a hard job, but this is all part of it – the good, the bad, the nasty… this is what we’re working on. A good life for our kids, wanting our kids to be happy, but not losing our own sanity at the same time. The job is very much worth it; it’s not always going to feel worth it – but that’s okay.
You’re gonna make it momma. Even if you have to take the crazy pills or drink that bottle of wine… you’re gonna make it. They love you. They need you. You love them. You need them.
Written by: Hannah Howard
You can find her truthful motherhood posts on her blog: www.mrshannahhoward.wordpress.com